Why I run?

 

Why I run?

 (Published initially in October, 2011)

I plan to run a 50km ultra marathon in November 2011. This will take me anything between 6 to 7 hours of running at a reasonably steady pace. To achieve this, I would have covered about 1000km over a 16 week training schedule.

There are friends of mine that are intending to improve their timings or run even longer distances of 75km, 100km. One friend recently ran from Chandigarh to Shimla.

My daughter once asked me, ‘Dad, Why do you run?’ For lack of a good answer for a 12 year old, I recounted the example of Mallory, probably one of the greatest mountaineers, on why he was attempting to climb the Everest replied, ‘Because it is there.’ I had never really understood the answer earlier but perhaps, I now do.

Long distance running involves pain and is tough. Yet, some of us are unable to let go of that runners high that comes after the achievement of personal milestones. Very few of us are competing with others. Occasionally, we do compete with  but by and large, the focus is on beating one’s own goals.

We have often wondered about this passion. What is it that drives so many people to achieve such milestones that involves so much pain and often disappointment?

The simplistic view is the sense of achievement but it is deeper than that.

Running or any personal hobby that we follow passionately is very individualistic. It is an activity that we pursue but is not an imperative. There is no pressure at the workplace or from the family either. In fact, most of the time, they believe and actually say that we are crazy.

The joy of running is about accessing that depth in our minds that provides us the mental strength needed to overcome that pain. This access to that depth in our minds is missed while performing our normal roles. In our roles as an employee or as a family member, there are challenges that are deep but we are prevented from accessing the strength of our mind because we have an easy option to deny or avoid that access.

We can blame others for everything that we do not achieve in office or in our family. We can blame our parents, our Bosses, our families. We do not need to access that strength because we are not motivated enough to do it.

Our goals are not set by us but by the expectations of the roles thrust upon us. We believe that we are in control but in reality we are not. We cannot admit that so we often blame others or perform in an insipid manner far below our potential.

In corporations, we blame our Bosses/peers/subordinates or the market environment for our failure. We work as if it’s a chore. In family situations, we blame our parents, spouses. The love for them is replaced by duty.

In short, we are unable to take accountability for our failures, because it is so easy to not take that accountability. 

The failures are also compounded because most of us really do not have a significant and specific personal goal. Most goals are linked with the external world. For example, Goals in corporate life or business are more often than not measured, in terms of positions in the hierarchy, compensation, money, etc. We seek security, prestige and influence in all that we do. This is benchmarked with the external world even if we do not care to admit it.

 It is not that these goals are not important but they allow us to deviate from the path of true self-awareness. As long as our goals are linked with the external world and how it perceives us, we need recognition from the external world. It prevents us from reaching the levels of self- esteem that Maslow so eloquently describes. We remain at the levels of fulfilling our very basic needs.

While running, I am unable to deny that I am accountable for a goal that I miss. I have no one to blame. When I take a goal, I take accountability to succeed. If don’t run the 50 km well, I will have only myself to blame. Though initially, recognition matters, at some stage all long distance runners run for their internal recognition. They know, when they went mentally weak and they also know when they were strong. It is the nature of accountability that allows them to access the depth in their mind for the strength they need to overcome the pain.

I have often wondered whether it is possible to transfer this learning to the way I manage my roles in society. Is it possible for me to truly take accountability in the roles that I perform and go beyond the need for external recognition and benchmarking? Would I be able to get my just rewards, if I took accountability for my own successes and failures? And what are those rewards?

I believe, that a personal change has happened. Has it reached the levels of self- esteem and have I really moved on from depending on external recognition to deep personal recognition?

I am not yet sure and it even feels scary to take that accountability. However, I will surely be thinking about that as I run for 6 hours and 50 km in November.

Postscript (2021)

I completed that run in November 2011 and have been running for the last 10 years with multiple small injuries, motivation issues, etc. but it remains the most important of each day.